A Book of Contradictions will be going on break for a while due to the time constraints of other projects. Check out the Personal Notes tab to see what I've been doing.
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Psalms is made up of 150 psalms (Probably how the book got it's name. See, I'm sharp like that!) the majority of which is mindless drivel. To keep things simple I've broken them up into categories and included a couple pie charts. There's just too many to discuss individually, so let's just go over some highlights. This book certainly wastes no time in getting to the odd stuff. 2:12 tells us “Kiss his [Gods] feet or he will be angry...” Not kidding. That's the exact wording. Who knew god had such a foot fetish! Apparently God is a fan of bitch slapping. We learn in 3:7 that God will “strike all my enemies on the cheek...” In psalm 6, which is a “Help I Am Sick” prayer we learn that illness is caused by “workers of evil.” Psalm 17 teaches us that God has wings, yet despite his winged all-powerful nature we learn in psalm 18 that he rides cherubs. 18:10 “He rode on a cherub and flew...” Do you suppose he straddles one in superman position or do you think he wake-boards on two of them? Christian art (right) tells us that he requires the combined effort of many of the poor little guys. Nothin' says ALMIGHTY GOD quite like being carried around by small children... Psalm 68 teaches us exactly how violent God can be. “But God will shatter the heads of his enemies, the hairy crown of those who walk in their guilty ways. The Lord said ' I will bring them back from Bashan, I will bring them back from the depths of the sea, so that you may bathe your feet in blood, so that the tongues of your dogs may have their share from the foe.'” This is supposed to be a beautiful book? Wow! 69:23 gives us an interesting curse. Among other things, “...and make their loins tremble continually.” Hmmm....
Here's a good one. Ya know how Christians are always going on about the whole “one god, no other gods” thing. Well here in the book of psalms it says otherwise. “God has taken his place in the divine council; in the midst of the gods he holds judgment.” (Psalms 82:1) It's reinforced again a little later in Psalm 97:7 “...all gods bow down before him.” If the Bible was inspired by God, then God sure seemed to think there were other gods... And let's end it with a familiar one. 137:9 “Happy shall they be who take your little ones and dash them against the rock!” The rest of the book was either flattery, as you can see from the pie chart above, prayers begging God not to hurt them, or prayers begging God commit mass genocide on their neighbors. Terrible book. Just horrid. Any Christian who quotes this as a good example of God's love obviously hasn't read it. Violence: 7/10 Misogyny: 2/10 WTF Moments: 6/10 Body Count: 0/10 (Only begging for genocide.) Opening Scene: Desert ** God poofs in disguised as a fiery whirlwind to visit with Job under the dead tree. ** God: So, Job, I understand you have a problem with me, so I thought I'd drop in and have a talk with you. I AM GOD! I made like...everything! From scratch! What have you done that you have a right to argue with me? Job: Eeep! I'm a potato! God: You complained! Show me what you can conjure, little man! Job: Alright! Alright! Damn! Sorry! God: (Addressing the friends) You guys did nothing to help me! You couldn't even tell Job why he was wrong! I'm sorry. I'm always cranky when I'm hungry. Job, fetch some dead cow and then I'll forgive these guys, deal? * Job runs off to fetch the dead cow. The friends run for the hills and Satan pops in via her signature poof of red smoke. * God: See, told you I always win these bet games! Satan: What! You didn't win! First, the bet was that he wouldn't like you anymore if you took away all his stuff! You took stuff. He didn't like you anymore! Second, you just interfered! God: No no, I'm pretty sure the bet was if he would still have faith in me. I wrote it down somewhere. Let me poof it in. * a glowing golden scroll appears. * Yup, right here, “faith.” I'm always right! Satan: You CHEATER! You JUST made that, right this moment! God: Maaayyybeee.....but can you prove it? * Satan disappears in a roar of flames and red smoke. Job returns with the dead cow. * God: Wow, dunno what HER problem was! Must be on the rag. Women, eh?Job, my man, how about I restore everything twice over, eh? Sound good? This is some damn good dead cow, by the way. All is forgiven, thanks for lunch! Moral of the Story: God's an asshole. Let's play a game. I'll describe a country, you guess which one it is. Atheists are legally barred from holding public office in certain areas* and even in areas that do not have a law specifically prohibiting such a circumstance, it is culturally unthinkable**. The country pays homage to its god on its money, in its pledge, and in its courtrooms. Certain groups are singled out and discriminated against because who they are goes against religious doctrine***. A large portion of the people in the country in question reject scientific explanations in favor of religious teachings**** . Corporations can hold religious views and practices that are upheld by the highest courts. What country is this? Saudi Arabia? Iraq? Iran? Surely it must be an Islamic country built on Sharia law, right? Wrong. This is America, land of the free (as long as you're not gay or atheist). But this is a secular nation, right? It's the “melting pot” where “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” are held above all other ideals....right? Yes and no. The ideals that this nation was founded on were noble, there is no question of that. The problem is between what was intended and what is. As our politicians often teach us, one can speak noble, inspiring words yet contradict them in action at the first opportunity. Words are just words without the actions to back them up. So, is America a theocracy? Until all people have the right to marry who they love, Until no one is barred from public office because of religious beliefs or lack thereof, Until there are no Bibles in courtrooms, No religion in classrooms, Until politicians are elected by their actions instead of their (false) piety, Until all of our legislation reflects a modern standard of equality and justice. Until then, yes, we are a theocracy. But there is hope. In every couple fighting for their right to love, In every non-believer challenging the dogma, In every person that counts themselves a humanist, In every organization dedicated to the good of mankind regardless of belief, Is America a theocracy? Yes, but it doesn't have to be. There is hope and that hope lives in you. Speak out against bigotry. Engage with the preacher spewing hate. Write to your politicians expressing your distaste for their religious-political message. Disregard their platitudes and cast your vote based on their actions. Did they vote for equality? No? Then vote for one who does! Boycott stores that inflict their religious views on their employees! We, the non-believers, the marginalized and ignored members of society must not be silent! To get involved contact your local atheist/secular group American Atheists Freedom From Religion Foundation American Humanist Association List Of Secularist Organizations By Location * http://americanhumanist.org/HNN/details/2012-05-unelectable-atheists-us-states-that-prohibit-godless
** http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/faith_and_values/2014/05/23/atheists-least-trusted-group-poll-finds.html *** http://www.governing.com/gov-data/same-sex-marriage-civil-unions-doma-laws-by-state.html **** http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/02/creationism-america-survey_n_5434107.html Opening Scene: Earth. Somewhere out in a desert. There is a scraggly, dead tree and tumble weeds blowing in the hot wind. ** Job is sitting under the dead tree, his robes torn to rags, he's sun-burnt and covered in boils. His breath could kill an ox. Three brave friends, Eli, Bill, and Zoe join him. ** Job: My life SUCKS! Why was I ever born?! Eli: Yeah, I've heard you've had a tough go of it, but maybe you pissed God off or something? I mean, fire from the sky, fast moving stench-winds sure sound like God's tricks and the boils; those are definitely God's signature work! Job: Oh, it was God, alright! There's no doubt about that! The boils were a dead giveaway. But I didn't fucking DO anything! I've been good. I give to the poor. Hell, I spend more damn time on my knees than a Babylonian whore! And how does he thank me?! He fucks my whole damn life up and then leaves me to deal with it! If he's gonna be a jerk, why didn't he just kill me! Bill: Dude, you better tell God you're sorry before he thinks up something else! Job: I'm innocent! But here's the really shitty part, there's not even a judge to appeal to. I'm innocent, but because God thinks I'm guilty of some random transgression, he judged and sentenced me without even a trial, without even telling me what I did wrong! Why should I apologize for that! I wasn't in the wrong! He should be apologizing to me! I LOATHE MY LIFE! Zoe: Seriously, man, if a god thinks you're guilty, then you're guilty. God obviously thinks you deserve to be punished, so you must, right? Who are you to argue with a god? Job: * Exploding with rage * Everybody makes fun of me now and I'm sick of it! I'm not wrong! I'm not guilty! God's just being a jerk! Eli: Hold up there, Bro! Are you actually trying to say that religion doesn't work? Job: You're damn right I am! I did all the things I was supposed to do and look what it got me! Look at these boils! * one pops * How am I supposed to get it on with the female slaves now? One little boil pops and they start gagging! Bill: Well...God only punishes the wicked. Are you sure you're not wicked? Maybe even just a little bit? Job: The only thing wicked about me is my breath, and that's God's handiwork. Just ask my wife! Zoe: Yeah, kinda noticed that. Have you tried chewing some mint leaves? Might help with that. Anyway, it says in the holy books that wickedness deserves punishment. You must be wicked, dude. Sorry.... Job: That's total oxen shit! I see the wicked go unpunished all the time! Hell, half of them I see that are obviously wicked lead long lives in wealth and comfort with twice as many wives as me! How is that a punishment. Eli: Hmmm....the men with that many wives may beg to differ with you. Just sayin'. But seriously, Job, by the looks of things you really did something wicked. Why don't you just own up and apologize? God is usually forgiving and stuff. * A young man, Elihu, sees the spectacle and stops to listen. * Job: Don't you fuckers listen?! I'm NOT GUILTY! There's all kinds of wickedness and violence in the world to punish, but oh no! He's gotta get his divine knickers all up in a bunch over some imagined transgression of mine! Bill: Okay, okay! So, what's your plan? How do you, a mere mortal, plan to take on God? I don't think it can be done. Whether you think it's fair or not, you best just repent! Job: HELLO! Innocent! Are you deaf! I spent my entire life doing good things in the world and telling God how great he is and now I'm just a companion for ostriches. * pout * * Everyone sits in an uncomfortable silence. The observer, Elihu steps forward.* Elihu: (Addressing Eli, Bill & Zoe) You guys are shitty friends. You tell Job here that he's wrong, which he is but we'll get to that in a moment, but you don't give him any reason WHY he's wrong. I thought you guys were supposed to be old and wise! Doddering and senile is more like it! Elihu: (Addressing Job) Here's the deal, God isn't wrong. He can't be. He made the rules of the game. And as for your wickedness, Dude, you're so self-righteous it's sickening. God is good and you're acting like a bitch. Stop being a drama queen, apologize and get it the fuck over with. I know, this one was kinda boring. Some books you just can't help. The next one will be better. Tune in next week for Job Scene 4: The Not-So-Gripping Conclusion to find out who wins the bet and what happens to good ole Job!
Opening Scene: Cloud level with a good view of Earth. ** God and Satan are sitting in 70's lawn chairs, a cooler of beer between them. God is drunk off his ass and barely able to stay on the cloud. ** Satan: See those Sabeans over there? I'm going to put it into their minds to carry off all of Job's oxen and donkeys. * Poof! Saldeans came from the hills and carried off all of the oxen and donkeys and only one of the servants escaped to tell Job. * God: LAME! MY TURN! Let me show you how it's done! Check this out! * God struggles to his feet and drunkenly staggers to the edge of the cloud, nearly falling off. He blearily squints at the earth trying to select a good smiting target and settles on a heard of sheep. He works up a huge fireball, throws it, and misses. He tries again and has to stop mid- conjure because he nearly lit his beard on fire. He squares his shoulders, sways a little bit, closes one eye, takes aim, and all the sheep are burned to charred mutton and only one servant escapes to tell Job. * Satan: Fireball, God? Really? How original. I'm sure everybody already forgot about Sodom and Gomorrah. God: What?! That shit was off the hook! Better than you could do, Little Ms. Hypnobabble! I gotta piss. I really gotta remember to fix that about beer. Last time I drank it I pissed a damn flood. Nearly drowned the whole planet. Satan: Yeah, I remember that. You were lucky that drunk bastard had a boat. * God pisses off the cloud onto a desert settlement. * God: Would ya look at that! They love me so much they even thank me for pissing on them! Satan: You're an idiot. * God flops back down in his lawn chair and cracks open another beer. * God: This is fun! What next? Satan: I think I'm going to send some Chaldeans to take the camels. * Poof! Chaldeans came and carried off all the camels. Only one servant survived to tell Job what happened. * God: BORING! * God's stomach rumbles * OH! Perfect timing! Hold my beer and watch this! * God gets to his feet, makes his way to the edge of the cloud and hoists his robes, tucking them into the front his tighty-whiteys. * Satan: You're not seriously going to do what I think you're going to do?!?! * God turns and pulls down the back of said tighty-whiteys, baring his arse to the world and let's go a godly fart the echo of which is still visible at the edge of the universe and is mistaken by scientists as background radiation purportedly from a “big bang.” The house where all of Job's children were feasting was blown down. Only one servant escaped to tell Job. * Satan: That's DISGUSTING! God: Oh ME! Look at his stupid face in awe of my divine gas! * God untucks his robes and settles back in his lawn chair, thoroughly impressed with himself. * Satan: I'm leaving. God: No wait! I've got one more good smite! Satan: Is it boils again? God: Maaayyybeee...... Satan: Ugh. Just get it over with so I can leave. God: Done. * Job is smitten with boils from the top of his head to the soles of his feet, and a wicked case of halitosis on top of it. * Satan: Just like that, eh? All that theatricality and you could have just thought it and it would've been done. Why the fuck did you make me sit here with you, then? God: I wanted a drinking buddy..... Satan: Goodbye, God. * Satan vanishes in a poof of red smoke. God sits back down to enjoy the show. * Ok, so I embellished a little on this one, but the story is still intact! This is a messed up book.
Tune in next week for Scene 3: Job's Epic Bitchfest. Opening Scene: Heaven ** Soft white light. Terrible harp music. Angels gathered around God. Satan enters in a poof of red smoke. ** God: Satan, dudette, where have you been? It's been ages! * High Five * Satan: Seriously, God...it's not 1980 yet. High fives are still lame, and I thought you were supposed to be omniscient? Anywho, I've been wandering around checking out your little experiment. Those hairless apes are an interesting bunch. God: Really?! You like them!? Have you met my homeboy Job? He's like...the sickest dude down there! He's so awesome I gave him everything he asked for, if ya know what I mean. * wink wink nudge nudge * Satan: Yeah, I met him. Can't say as I was real impressed with that one. God: That's what SHE said! Hehe I crack myself up! Satan: Um...right.... All he ever does is thank you for all his junk. He spends more time on his knees than a Babylonian whore. God: I know! Isn't he great! Satan: Meh, I wonder what would happen if you stopped giving him stuff. Are you sure he doesn't just like you for the benefits? God: No! Not Job! He likes me because I AM THE LORD HIS GOD! Satan: You really don't have to do the booming god voice every time you refer to yourself. It was funny the first time at the heaven/hell mixer but it's sorta getting played out. K? Thanks. So, about this Job fellow... Care to place a little friendly bet? God: Oh, I love bets! I always win at this game because I AM THE LOR...... sorry. What did you have in mind? Satan: Okay, I bet that if you take away all of Job's stuff he won't like you anymore. God: I'll take that bet! Satan: Hold your horses there big guy. You don't get to use the whole god thing to rig this. God: Awww. But that's how I win! Satan: Nope, not this time. This bet will be fair and square, unless, of course, you're chicken? God: I am GOD! GOD is not chicken! Satan: Back to that third person thing again, huh? Ugh, that's sooo last millennial... All- Powerful God and you still can't manage to know what year it is. So, you accept the terms then? Job loses all his stuff. You don't interfere and we'll see if he still wants to be your little buddy? God: Do I get to smite anything? Please, please, PUHLEASE! You know I love to smite! Satan: I suppose, if you're gonna whine about it... How about we split the smiting? You take half and I'll take half? God: YAAAAY! I get to smite!! * Happy Dance * Satan: * Rolls eyes * You're such a child. I'll start and you follow suit. We'll alternate “smites” as you call them. Catch scene 2 next week! If you missed my tweet-rant earlier in the week, here's the setup. I got voluntold that I'd be attending a huge family function involving an attempted baby drowning for Jesus and a vow renewal for a shotgun wedding that took place over fifty years ago. Not only was I required to attend as a representative of my branch of the family, I was also volunteered to cook, clean, and wait on people. There was also a group zoo visit. No idea why. The side of the family in question are religious fundamentalists. Why did I not decline, you might wonder? That would take a book and a half to fully answer. Suffice to say a great deal of family politics were involved and I was under strict orders from my side of the family not to start a war. Because I'm a nice person, I tried to comply. Here's what I learned: 1. Pot Legalization is bad because Jesus. 2. A woman's place is in the kitchen, also because Jesus. 3. Whatever work a woman does in a kitchen, Jesus is to be thanked for it. 4. What a non-religious person wants in irrelevant. 5. Churches programs should be allowed in public schools, provided it's Christian. 6. Religion should be legislated. 7. Homeless people are just lazy. 8. Providing healthcare supports the lazy. 9. Tattoos are okay if you like the person and they're religious in nature. Otherwise they're sinful. 10. It's not okay to comment on Putin's nipples despite their fame. 11. All "humor" must be G rated and politically correct. Puns preferred. 12. Having a pack of cigarettes in one's car is tantamount to “giving parents a very difficult time.” 13. Going to sleep after class in college is “being a wasteful drain on the parents.” 14. Shotgun marriages are not only okay, but celebrated as long as the “shotgun” part is never mentioned. 15. If a child is interested in a science career, do everything in your power to dissuade. Especially if the child is female. 16. I should probably avoid that third glass of wine so as not to call someone a cunt again. 17. If your job is killing you, you should not seek another because Jesus has a plan. 18. Climate change is a liberal lie. Jesus is in control. 19. Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Narnia, Superman, & Jesus are all the same story. (Actual theological thesis paper a family member is doing.) 20. It's okay to be a self-centered obnoxious judgmental twat provided you believe in Jesus. 21. The proper verses for a vow renewal are “wives submit to your husbands” and “women were created second and are thus lesser.” 22. Laying on a lawn chair spread eagle in short shorts letting it all hang out at a family function is okay as long as you are a Christian school teacher. 23. It's alright to be jobless and living at home in your mid-20's as long as you are jobless and living at home in your mid-20's with Jesus. 24. I should not comment that babies stink, even when they do. 25. It is not acceptable to offer the baby to the giraffe at the zoo as a bribe. 26. It is not appropriate to call a three-legged tiger at the zoo “gimpy.” 27. It is not acceptable to request a breaded penguin sandwich. 28. It is, however, acceptable to refer to all liberals as pinheads. 29. Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly are acceptable news sources. 30. Fox news is fair and balanced. (They said that and kept a straight face!) 31. Women's issues, in general, are inappropriate. 32. It is not acceptable, while dangling on a ski lift above cheetahs, to comment that they look hungry. 33. It is unacceptable for a male to attempt to help in the kitchen. This makes him "domesticated." I'm certain I've blocked out more, but we'll leave it here for now. I'm on a recovery day thus the disorganized, random order. Consider it an insight into what happens to a (mostly?) sane mind when exposed to fundamentalism. Welcome to Esther, the little book of misogyny and the last (OMG fucking finally!) of the historical books. The story begins in the city of Susa where King Ahasuerus has ordered his wife, Queen Vashti, to come to his banquet so that all of the kingdom could see the hott ass he gets to tap. The Queen, not necessarily wanting to be treated like cheap eye-candy, refuses to come be ogled at. The king gets wicked pissed at her insubordination and consults with his wise men about what to do with a female that doesn't jump at his every command. Many flagons of wine later, they decide that it's a really good idea to just replace her because if they don't, the women...they might follow her lead and become... gasp... liberated! They are determined to show those damn rebellious women “that every man should be master in his own house.” (Esther 1:22) When the king finally gets done being indignant about the blow to his kingly ego, he decides to start looking for his replacement queen. He sends word that all the beautiful virgins of the entire kingdom be rounded up like cattle and brought to his palace. He was very specific. Only the beautiful ones. Only the virgins. After said women are rounded up and hauled in, they are given one year of beauty treatments, 6 months with oil and myrrh & 6 months with perfumes and cosmetics (Esther 2:12) before they're allowed to see the king. I guess King Ahasuerus doesn't appreciate natural beauty... Among the girls receiving a make-over is our heroine, Esther, who is Jewish, but has been told not to reveal it by her uncle, Mordecai. Surprise, surprise! Esther becomes queen. Wow, didn't see that one coming! So, creepy Uncle Mordecai likes to hang out just outside the king's gate in hopes of hearing news of Queen Esther. One day, as he's lurking about, he overhears a plot to assassinate the king. He gets word to Esther and saves the day, but the king promptly forgets about the favor. Later on, as Mordecai is STILL lurking about, some honored guy name Haman comes wandering by and Mordecai doesn't bow. This pisses Haman off, so he determines to kill all the Jews. The king agrees and the royal “Kill The Jews” order is sent out. Queen Esther isn't so fond of the idea of being murdered, so she talks the king out of it by feeding him a shit-ton of food and then revealing her heritage. Haman was hanged, the “Kill The Jews” order was revoked and instead the Jews were allowed to kill anybody they wanted for a few days. And they lived happily ever after.....* *Except for all those people the Jews killed. I don't think they were so happy. The End. Misogyny: Astro-fucking-nomical Violence: 6/10 Body Count: 8/10 WTF Moments: 2/10 |
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